Hello all!

Posts: 22
Joined: Fri May 06, 2011 8:56 am

Hello all!

#1 Postby Daryl » Sun May 08, 2011 1:03 pm

Greetings in the Name of the One Who Is Without Beginning and Without End!

After lurking for about a month so, I've just registered with the forum. Here's a little background about myself: I grew up in the United Methodist tradition and left about ten years, unable to reconcile the love I felt for my non-Christian friends and the doctrine of eternal damnation.

After about four years of agnosticism, I started to slowly take steps back towards God's presence, by way of Zen Buddhism, Advaita Vendanta Hinduism and various New Age books. After studying meditation for a couple months, I began to have mystical experiences that completely destroyed my model of reality. They were truly sublime, but they left me in a state of spiritual confusion and agony, as I went from one tradition to another, trying to make sense of what was happening to me.

My experiences have always been rich in Christian symbolism, which I had a hard time dealing with, as I stopped feeling comfortable worshiping or revering Christ once I left the church. Truth be told, part of me resented him, perhaps even hated him for being so perfect and so righteous, beloved by everyone, while I, poor sinner that I was, had to come into his presence in the deepest humility and acknowledge him as Lord and Master of the Universe. My pride wouldn't let me do it.

Then this past April, I was watching the film The Last Temptation of Christ, and I became fixated with the scene of the Crucifixion. Here I saw before me a Jesus very different than the one I grew up with. For the first time, I saw him not as the almighty Son of God to whom every knee should bow, but as a man, deserted by his best friends, despised by many, nailed to a cross, enduring terrible agony and humiliation. I saw that the Cross of Christ represents my greatest fear--not just of pain and death (which are big fears), but of humiliation and alienation.

Compassion for him began to rise in my heart and I remembered that, back when I was in meditation at a school based on the teachings of the Hermetic Kabbalah, I felt/heard an inner voice say to me, "Christ is not angry with you." I started getting really defensive (during my awareness meditation, irony of all ironies) and responded, "What do I care if he's angry with me or not?, I didn't do anything wrong!" and tried to silence the voice within myself, but it kept coming back repeatedly, telling me that Christ wasn't angry with me, and that in Christ all things are made whole.

As I was watching that movie, I realized that behind my anger was a deep love for Jesus, and that I was angry at him because I was angry at myself for deserting him. I felt like he was putting me in an impossible position--that he was forcing me to choose between loving and accepting my non-Christian friends (and thus, going to hell with them) or believing them all to be damned while I entered heaven. So I left him, even though I still loved him. In any case, I know now that I was putting myself in this horrible position, and that Jesus had little to do with it at all.

I have a new found respect and admiration for Jesus, for what he did was truly heroic. And as I have begun to study the Kabbalah and have seen the Kabbalistic elements within the New Testament, I find I'm developing a deeper love for Christianity than I ever did before.

I've recently purchased some of Tau Malachi's books and am eagerly diving into them. I'm excited to be a part of the forum, and to discuss, share and grow with you all!

In Christ,


Site Admin
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Location: Grass Valley, CA


#2 Postby sheryl » Sun May 08, 2011 3:43 pm

Greetings Daryl!

Thank you for sharing such an honest and sincere introduction. I was deeply moved by your words, and in them recognized some of my own struggles through the years.

I pray that your heart finds, among this community, what you have been searching for.

Welcome. And if you are so inclined please feel free to join us in our bi-weekly chats on Shabbat and on Tuesday

Here is the link to more information: http://sophian.org/chat%20room%20portal.html

Shabbat Shalom!

Last edited by sheryl on Mon May 09, 2011 9:17 am, edited 1 time in total.

Tau Malachi
Site Admin
Posts: 5583
Joined: Wed Oct 22, 2003 4:20 pm
Location: Grass Valley, Ca.

Greetings and welcome!

#3 Postby Tau Malachi » Mon May 09, 2011 8:38 am

Greetings and welcome dear brother!

Blessings to you, and thank you for sharing something about your journey with us. As I read your story I was struck my a mysterious truth, that it is not we who choose Christ, but Christ who chooses us, the Holy Spirit touching us and awakening us in Christ, and leading us into "all truth."

When you speak of the Christ-bearer as heroic a Divine Name comes to my mind, AGLA, "Atoh Givor Leolam Adonai," which translates "You are heroic for the world, O Lord."

You are in my prayers brother.

Peace be with you!
Tau Malachi
Sophia Fellowship
Ecclesia Pistis Sophia

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